My son, Michael, and my husband, Clifford, decided to paint Michael’s motorcycle bright yellow.
For reasons unknown to me, they deemed it unneccesary to enclose the painting area with plastic.
Much to my chagrin, the entire contents of the garage were covered with yellow paint dust and the garage floor became a splattered yellow cement carpet.
My complaints, in my ‘not-so kind tone’,
were met with nonchalant replies of
“It’s only a garage.”
I did not want all my precious junk to be tinted yellow, and did not think the resale value of our property would be enhanced by the speckled yellow garage floor. And so began the tedious process of extricating the yellow from all areas of the garage.
As I scrubbed, inch by inch, item by item, my thoughts of frustration, consternation, and tarnation morphed into this tongue-in-cheek formal slate of words.
Addendum to the Last Will & Testament of Marilyn Elaine Newbury
Be it known to the various faces – on, and not on – facebook, with the additional witness and approval of Matilda, “Tillie”, Newbury, mother of Clifford Randell Newbury, currently residing in heaven, that upon the death of Marilyn Elaine Newbury, posthumous permission will hereby be granted to the male members of her immediate family to pursue any and all types of body work in the garage, on any type of vehicle, including, but not limited to, the use of paint and grease.
Consequent to the above, any request to pursue the above activities prior to the death of the said author will be promptly met with the very adamant & emphatic reply, “Over my dead body”.
Furthermore, the author advocates the purchase of shares in the company of Home Depot, due to its stocks of a seemingly unlimited but expensive supply of GOOF OFF, currently available in three styles: a regular-sized spray can, a diluted larger can, and a supposedly concentrated smaller can.
NOTE: The author will, for a small fee, be willing to provide expert experienced expertise on the best application and combinations of the above said products, aided at times with various splashes and douses of paint thinner, to remove over spray and paint drops on cement, as well as on all types of expensive and worthless items stored in a garage, including objects such as bikes, scooters, useless heirlooms, and junk.
Be assured that no soiled clothes, with the exception of full garbage bags of filthy rags, were involved, lest the above situation be construed to be the airing of dirty laundry in public.
Moreover, the author, who may soon be dead from inhaling the various strengths of fumes from the above products, has come to the conclusion that man and woman were created for the purpose of casting an unending comedy show to be viewed from heaven. The hope of a three letter word, beginning with “s” and ending with “x”, was thrown in as an incentive to ensure that the comedy show would never come to an end.
For compensation, the half-alive author deems it appropriate that she will be granted immunity from any and all accusations regarding dried-out tea bags in the kitchen sink or complaints about open cupboard doors.
Further inquiries as to the ramifications of this document can be directed to 1-800-STINK
Marilyn Elaine Newbury
1952 – anytime soon
Yellow Motorcycle: Michael Newbury
Michael & Cliff: JAR Photography